Theology....revisited

So… I said, I failed… But, truly speaking from the depth of my heart, I did not felt it this way. Because, I did not want to loose when I knew that no one else has won the race I was running for… So, I had every possible opportunity to win her as I saw from my perspective. But, the question in my mind was still intact that why the people in college were giving sarcastic or true smiling expressions. Leave it off...

Finally, the result came. The result here was not about winning or loosing her. It was my academic result of, I guess, 5th semester. I topped again, nothing unusual in it, because by then I had become habitual to such results, and when you know how it’s going to be, you don’t tend to get much happier. This result had a very positive impact on my relationship with the lady I had fallen in love with. I started studying again…But… this time the study was not for academic gain, it was for gaining a life and adding it as an asset to my life even. She eventually chose me as her tutor… was I one? No... I did not think that way... Even you could correlate and find many situations in your life that, you are going to college even when you don’t have any classes, and even you don’t know why you are? Yes... You know why you are, because you know you might get a glimpse of her, and even that would be ok for better condition of your heart.

I remember, I took her out for shopping, One of the biggest shopping arenas of Bangalore. She was so good to understand the value of money. I know and would like to tell, she never asked me for money, usually girls expect a lot of expenses to be done on them. But, she was different. A well respected lady. I chose for her a very beautiful Yellow color suit. She refused to try that because it was too costly. But, when I insisted, she tried, and, when she came out, I was on floor. The only thing I did not have was a flower, just to tell her that she was looking gorgeous. Best among the world; I knew, I chose the best.

One fine day she told me, no, she never told anything any day… rather I asked her, if we could go for a ride or hang out together, on my lovely irony bike... Honda CD100 (it is full iron body :)) I knew, for her it will not be a question to ask herself, because even I knew she had found the person she was most comfortable with. It would had been most irony statement I had ever made to myself, but... But... This statement took me to a place, from where, I had no clue to return back. She agreed, we decided to go for a ride on Mysore road, which used to be very quieter those days. I was so damn happy, having a good looking girl as your pillion, and riding through the front of the college... Oh… oh... my god… all my friends and mates saw me passing by.. Actually, I wanted them to see… you know why, just to tell them, the race was over.. I was again over cloud 9...my favy. I thought I have won the race…. But… I did not know I was no where in the race ever!!!! Mind this….

On the ride we talked hell lot of things. I knew everything about her family, and even she knew most of it about my family as well. The respect among ourselves was growing exponentially. I took my first chance here (I did not know it was in fact the last), because I was looking best that day (as said by my flirtatious roomy) dressed up in formals. I took her to a temple on a hill near to my college. We sat on the top of the hill and talked endlessly that day for about an hour or so. I said... “I want to talk”, she was looking at me as in a questioning manner, because we had been talking for a quite long time now, sitting so close next to each other.

I was trying to prepare background scene for saying, what I had been trying for, for such a long time, about a year or so… I learnt from my roomy that you need to be damn patient and keep yourself cool whenever you seriously want to fall into a two way relationship with the lady of your dreams. Finally, I gave it a go... And, said, the typical 3 word crap. Yes, it is a crap because most of the times you don’t understand whether you mean it or not... For me the difference between Love and Lust is as thin as a fine line between truth and lie. She continuously looked or stared at me, I could not decide, while I wasted my time weeping... Seriously, I was weeping or rather crying like anything I had never before. But, I did not find her angry; rather her expressions were a blend of disappointment and respect of feelings, I guessed.

We didn’t speak for about 15 minutes, every thing was going in my mind like flash back, I could not decide whether what I did was right or wrong. I stopped my bike on the road down way back to city, I begged her, literally kneeled down on the road, just to accept my feelings. I saw some tears in her eyes as well. I felt as if something was stopping her to say what I wanted listen to. She loved her parents more than anything. Any normal person does. And, for the same reason, after a kneeling episode of 10 minutes, she said, she counts her parents ahead of me, and, for them, she said No. This was the failure, my first ever back log in the degree called “Life” I was pursuing. I knew she would say yes, I was more than confident, and, this took me way back, in fact way down from the heights of being called a “Topper”. I realized that day; I lost a game with myself. Moreover, this was just not a mere game of enjoyment. This was my game of life, for which I had put everything I had, on stake. I kept on playing, and I even couldn’t recognize how far I had come, from where there was no way back.

Just keeping a hope of a “Yes”, we dispersed. I dropped her outside the hostel. But, this drop was more than a usual drop; I was feeling as if I was leaving her for ever, with tears in the eyes of both of us. With this, I knew I had failed, but with many questions unanswered and many answered like transparency of crystals. One big question was, “whether I was worth deserving, to have her?” I did not want to think about it, as I had asked her to think for a day and then reply.

Know what, I kept on waiting, and…….. She never replied!!!!!!!! I lost her, I lost myself in her. And, this time, as said in part 1, I failed… I seriously failed. I failed twice. I failed to win her. And, moreover, I was no longer a “Topper”; I got the worst result ever in my academics. But, humans are better known and told to be Optimistic; I am optimistic, still optimistic… People say I am fool. But, I still wait for her!!!! I know she would reply one day… The person, for whom I have been waiting, and, I will be waiting for ever. I know, I had understood the difference between love and lust. I loved her, because I respected her. I still Do………And, now I know, why my mates and college guys used to smile!!!!!!

The journey still continues……………:):)

- Kapil Sharma